Name that tool

I rarely pass on those lame web jokes, but....

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say “oh Sh…

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

Skill saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vice Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Table saw: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes, trapping the handle under the bumper.

Band Saw:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two Ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you need to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old style paper and tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used as the name implies, to strip out phillip head screws.

Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering the palm of your hand.

Hose Cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

Utility Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Damn-it-Tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Damn it” at the top of your lungs. It is also most often the next tool you will need.